Let me preface this by stating there is no longer a playbook to dating these days. Long gone are the days of asking someone out, going on a few dates, followed by entering into the exclusive phase. What once was relatively carefree, fun, and simple has now been replaced with crap.
Our version of meeting people now consists of dating apps, online platforms, and endless swiping. The other problem is we have become complacent with it! We have let big tech companies derive algorithms
that keep us coming back for more. I won't even mention the hundreds of dollars people keep spending annually on multiple apps. So the observation from this is that we all keep spending money and yet remain single. So why do you think this is? Below are a few of my thoughts on why the dating scene is a mess.
Number One:
Unhealed trauma seems to be a constant theme present in quite a few conversations. I have experienced this personally on dates and in shared conversations with other single friends. And for the sake of being honest and transparent, I also was guilty of this when I first hit the dating scene. When you spend more time talking about your exes or sharing trauma about previous relationships, both parties will develop a trauma-type bond versus revealing their authentic selves. Trauma bonding inevitably steers the ship off course from the get-go. I to was cautioned about trauma bonding by my therapist early on as I thought it would be a good idea to hang out with like-minded people going through similar circumstances. WRONG!! Her advice was to stay from the bar scene, support groups, and dating. My instructions were to hang out with close friends in healthy relationships, engage with my church family, and rediscover my core values. Those three pearls helped me get to where I am at today. I became a more self-aware version of the person I wanted to be moving forward.
Number Two:
Are we seeking superficial attention vs. a real and meaningful connection? We all have become too complacent with thinking there are unlimited and quality options in dating. Endless profiles matched with endless swiping have been made available to us by the tech companies who have developed the dating apps. The problem is we all took the bait. We somehow feel validated by the number of winks, likes, and messages we get and then thrust into a superficial talking stage which usually leads us to the next person. We also void ourselves of developing a deep connection by the endless answering of tacky questions. Can you remember the last time you started a conversation about asking someone about what their true passions or core values are? If not, then I implore you to do so, and here is why: you will weed out the people in the game for the wrong reasons. Depth perception is what I accomplish now early on with a more thought-provoking question. The result is that I spend less time with meaningless chit-chat. Less wasted time😉.
Number Three:
There are too many dating app options. Think of it this way if we were to choose our college major based on how we date across multiple sites and dating applications, we never would graduate. Have any of you noticed the same people across multiple sites? Inevitably this served as a wake-up call for me when I saw the same profiles show up on different sites. I ultimately chose one app and stayed the course. By doing so, I spent less time scrolling and swiping and had more time to work on, improve, and develop a complete sense of what I was looking for in a future partner.
I will close by encouraging you all not to get sucked into the online dating vortex. Please remember human interaction warrants more than sitting behind a screen and swiping. Dating used to be much more fun before all this online stuff. So be cavalier and ask someone out you are genuinely interested in knowing. Quality over Quantity
