How many of you have overanalyzed what happened, how you are currently doing, and where you would like to be? Have you been overanalyzing and ruminating? I know I did and still do occasionally. So what tools are available to shift your mindset in a more positive direction? It begins with inward reflection about understanding ourselves at a better level.
I have spent countless hours, days, weeks, and months replaying the trauma of my divorce in my head. What signs or red flags did I miss? Where did "I" go wrong? How was I going to move forward to heal myself? In my circumstance, there was a blame shift of my stressors in life and not being moldable into my ex-wife's image of who she thought I should be.
Initially, I started with a lot of inward reflection. I focused on figuring out why I exhibited certain traits. In my case, I had an uncanny ability to read people's emotions and also became overstimulated by loud noises and crowded environments. These traits were dubbed as "my stress" by my ex-wife. Little did I know that I would find the reason why I had felt this way both while growing up and during my marriage. Why did I take on the emotions of others while also needing extra time to recharge my mind? Why did I have a sense of shame for something I new little about?
Endless Google searches led me to books Sense and Sensitivity by Deborah Ward and The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D. Both were instrumental in their ability to shed light on understanding things I had wondered about "me" for years. I now understood why I could read and deeply feel people's emotions in their presence. I also understood why I became overstimulated and needed downtime to collect my thoughts. For the first time in my life, I no longer felt ashamed of these traits that my now ex-wife once used against me. By reading those books, I discovered these were traits I was born with and were gifts that could be used for better perception moving forward. I could now learn to be more comfortable in my skin without concern of being shamed. Most importantly, I was regaining my sense of self! I also felt for the first time I could use these gifts for myself and others at a completely different level.
I will close by noting that from my own experiences is that you absolutely must not defer from self-reflection. There is no "Pass Go" going through the five stages of grief as previously noted in one of my earlier posts. Working on understanding and improving yourself while traversing grief will require a lot of work! But through inward reflection, therapy, and rediscovering my identity again, I am reminded of a quote I came up with and presented in a TikTok Video: "Don't Become Someone Else's Version of Who They Think You Should Be." Confidently be happy in the direction you want to lead your life moving forward. Confidently be "You" in your growth and healing journey! I have faith that all of you will also find your way! Cheers to 2022!
-Derek @SNGLDADInIt
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